All Things Teen

As the light streamed into Starbucks, Tyra’s countenance radiated as she shared with me the freedom from addiction she had experienced. Ironically, that same week, I received a call from Michelle who had outwardly overcome great adversity, but was now facing possible incarceration. What happened and how did the trajectory so dramatically change for each? While the answer to these questions is complex, current research is supporting many of our former theories.

In a recent study, Seery and colleagues found that while people who had experienced many traumatic life events were more distressed in general, people who had experienced no negative life events had similar problems as their traumatized counterparts when painful events occurred. The people with the best outcomes were those who had experienced some negative events. Seery writes, “The idea is that negative life experiences can toughen people, making them better able to manage subsequent difficulties….people who get through bad events may have tested out their social network, learning how to get help when they need it” (Seery, M.D., Leo, R.J., Holman, E. A., and Silver, R. C. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol 99(6), Dec. 2010, 1025-1041).

The implications of this research are enormous, particularly for us as parents. While we ache when our children ache, it is imperative that our children learn how to handle adversity while they are in the safety of our homes and with our nurturing support. I’ve talked to many parents who are crying out for tangible strategies to ensure their children weather the storms and thrive. Here are some suggestions:

(1)Spend time with your teen in mutually enjoyable activities. One of our favorite activities with teens in our Life groups is to create a Self Portrait Board. On the board, we answer the following questions with words and pictures: (1) Who Am I (2) Where Am I Going (3) What’s my Purpose (4) Why Am I Here? We have found that creating our own self portraits alongside the youth in our group opens up many conversations that would never have occurred without a centering activity.

(2)Serve others and build assets daily! Much research exists which links learning while serving to overall success and improved self-respect. Visit www.search-institute.org to learn more about the power of service learning and the importance of building developmental assets into your child’s life

(3)Model self-care, forgiveness, and boundaries. The most powerful voice in the life of your child is not your words, but your actions. Forgiveness coupled with appropriate boundaries is powerfully linked to overall physical and emotional health. Seek help from a therapist for both yourself and your child as needed.

(4)Teach the 100% rule: “I am 100% responsible for what I think, feel, do, and say.”

(5)Encourage and model any of the following in dealing with pain, anger, or stress: Praying, Crying, Meditating, Journaling, Exercising, and Artistic Expressions.

(6)Allow shared silent times as you talk through pain. As parents, we want to “fix” it, but your child is building his or her emotional muscles as they learn to work through their grief and pain. Never underestimate the power of your silence, touch, and compassion as you show them you believe they have the strength to overcome.

During our last group time with middle school students I asked them to tell me what happened to them over the past week since our last group meeting. The kids really had a hard time naming things. Most of the kids could only recall moments they had spent in front of the TV or playing video games. This made me think about how much life we miss out on throughout the day. We don't seem to notice a lot of the small things in life because our minds are so preoccupied all the time. Even if we think we are resting our minds, they are actually running 90 miles a minute with our ipod games, internet, phones, you name it--we are busy people!

I am reminded of a story I heard at a conference several years ago. The speaker recalled how busy his life was as a youth pastor and how he was always on the go. He was always rushing out of the house every morning to get his kids to school and then rushing to the next meeting, to church, and then finally rushing back home to where he was rushing to get his kids in bed. His youngest child, who was 5, was very slow and would a lot of times get on his nerves because he would not hurry or rush for anything! One day the dad asked his son why he would not hurry up and the young boy replied, " I started a club at school called the "Slow Club" and I am the president.

One morning, the boy took his dad by the hand on their way out the door and asked him to be in the slow club. The Dad agreed, although he later tried to get his son to hurry up so they wouldn't be late for school. The boy, realizing his dad was not participating in the Slow Club, patiently told his dad that today they had to slow down. On their way to the car that morning, hand in hand, they walked, slowly allowing time to tick away. They noticed five rabbits jumping across their driveway, and also had time to spot a bald eagle. The boy also had time to notice how the clouds had formed to look like a smiley face. The boy exclaimed to his father, "Look dad, God is smiling down on us today!" The dad got into the car and was totally blown away by all he noticed that morning from the front door of his house to the car.

Take time this week to be in the slow club. Take time to notice the wonderful people in your life. Take time to notice the life that is going on around you. Slow down, turn off the TV, turn off the music, turn off the computer and take in the preciousness of each day.

Today we live in a fast-paced society. At our fingertips, we can get phone calls, emails, music, internet, and of course, any app that you could possibly imagine! Our kids are no different. A lot of them have almost immediate access to the internet and the world at large. Teens are using Facebook and other social media now more than ever to connect with friends, family and peers. Having these luxuries can be both positive and negative. One growing problem we are seeing in America today is bullying. Kids go to school and are being picked on. They get home, get online and the bullying continues in a place where they should feel safe. I want to encourage you as a parent, family member or friend, to step in. If a teen is in our care, we need to make every effort to keep them safe. This means monitoring their cell phones, iPods, and social media accounts. Since a lot of teens stay up late texting their friends, it might be a good idea to have something in place like a cell phone curfew. For example, when the teen goes to bed, the cell phone goes to the parent or guardian. Another idea to keep an eye on bullying would be to have all computers in a public room in the house. That way you are more aware of the information they have access to.

Of all the ways to help prevent or stop bullying, the parent is still the best source. Keep talking to your teens as they learn to navigate through these often difficult teen years. You are their best resource for love, wisdom, comfort and safety. As always, listen to them and allow them freedom to open up to you. Make your home a safe place for them to talk and get advice. And of course, if principals or teachers need to step in, make them known of the problem, too. Begin building a network of positive support!

A close college friend of mine has been seeking others' opinions on the definition of beauty. And when I stop to think about it, it's pretty loaded. Maybe that's why I've procrastinated thinking about it. Because it requires one to stop and really think.

As a Think On Point educator, I have a responsibility in showing youth a new and healthy way of looking at themselves. To shred their magazines of air-brushed waifs of so-called "perfection," to stop mirroring all the fictional teens seen on television, and to challenge them to cultivate their own definitions of beauty. Some girls, unfortunately, have been so deeply affected by society that their answers are nothing more than fallacies ripped out of a Seventeen magazine. Others, I am thankful to report, know that beauty can consist of more than just an inward/outward look at oneself. One student during class muttered that she couldn't believe how self-centered girls were when being asked for a definition of beauty, and that her answers were found outside of herself. To date, that is still the best answer I could ask for. This is, in part, because she had an authenticity unmatched by an of her classmates.

Here is what I know: If we are to focus on an individual's beauty, I think it all boils down to one word: acceptance. I can't recall ever seeing a discontented or miserable person inspire me to see her as beautiful. Sure, there are certain flaws within ourselves that can nag us, but I believe if we continue with self-discovery and growth, it will sprout new buds of beauty. Sometimes, when faced with the ugliness and untruths that lie within us, there soon follows a brokenness that can create a beauty much deeper than ever expected. My childhood best friend, though she has confided that she has obstacles in self-consciousness, will never be less than beautiful in my eyes. Maybe it is the peace that comes from our God-given, seemingly innate friendship. Maybe it is the understanding and shared experiences. Or it could be the simple acceptance that we are who we are, and from this, springs a natural beauty and joy.

But beauty when focusing outside of one's self? Jack pot.

Beauty is never taken for granted. Even if we never notice it, it still exists. I guess this reflection on beauty is more than just a friendly assignment: it's a wake-up call for me to slow down and quiet myself and take in all the beauty that surrounds me. I need to bask in the glory of God's wondrous creation. Because all beauty in life leads back to our unmatched Creator.

Sexy versus beauty. Hot versus pretty. Girls in today's society are constantly challenged to pick between the two, and more girls than ever prefer to be sexy and hot rather than pretty and beautiful. Being sexy and hot requires extreme efforts to become something you are not. Sex appeal and hotness consequently, is fleeting.

Society prefers sex appeal over character, integrity, innocence and virtue. Being beautiful means you exemplify great character and integrity. What's on the inside beautifies the outside. I am constantly telling young ladies in our middle and high schools, "Button up your shirt, put the mirrors away, put your combs up too, and that's enough eyeliner. You are more than your looks. You are beautiful just the way you are." Instead of focusing in English class and learning subject-verb agreement, prepositional phrases, and how to properly construct a research paper, our young ladies are focused on their appearance. They are way more concerned with getting a male's attention than getting a clear understanding of their GPA. I mean seriously, who can blame them while growing up in a culture where sex appeal for a woman seems to be valued over everything? Girls," Please bring back the pretty," is Pat Archbold's plead. Read The Death of Pretty if you'd like more info on this topic.

Marshmallows are our favorite prop.

These versatile, jet-puffed mounds of sugar can be used for practically anything...and they have been by our team of Life On Point Facilitators!

The book, Great Group Games for Kids, by Susan Ragsdale and Ann Saylor, pairs the 40 Developmental Assets with fun, interactive, and often silly, games. By breaking the 40 Developmental Assets down into the eight broad categories*, students play their way into learning more about values, teamwork, serving others and self-esteem. Ragsdale and Saylor call it "Playing with Purpose."

So, we began "playing with purpose" in our groups. Using almost 30 bags of marshmallows, we have facilitated an indoor "snowball" fight, the Marshmallow Olympics, and even baked s'mores in our Camp-In. All of these games not only helped to build assets, but also assisted us in teaching the core constructs of the Life On Point Curriculum-- Self-Discovery, Life Vision/Skills, Healthy Life Choices, Positive Support and Leadership for Service.

Silliness, you might say. Well, research says, "most of the brain is activated during physical activity--much more so than when doing seatwork." In fact, according to Eric Jensen, author of numerous books on brain-based learning, sitting for more than 10 minutes at a stretch "reduces our awareness of physical and emotional sensations and increases fatigue." Jensen reports that this results in "reduced concentration and, most likely, discipline problems" (Pica, More Movement, Smarter Kids).

We are excited to say that by using these yummy props, we are activating brains and learning the assets at the same time!

"When children are given an opportunity to develop these core values and skills through play, they will be better equipped to succeed in academics, leadership, and communication" (Ragsdale, Saylor, 2010).

And we have seen the results of this! One of our groups this year had a rough start. At the beginning of the year, students in this group had a tendency to resort to fighting and arguing as their primary form of communication with each other. Facilitators in this group used the asset-rich games at every group meeting. At the end of this group session we are happy to report increased verbal communication skills, positive group interaction, better concentration in group discussion and a courtesy toward fellow group members and facilitators.

So, our facilitators say to all of you educators, facilitators and parents out there...Break out the marshmallows! Believe it or not, it is a great learning tool.

*Support, Empowerment, Boundaries & Expectations, Constructive Use of Time, Commitment to Learning, Positive Values, Social Competencies, and Positive Identity

Since graduating from college, I have found myself in multiple positions that have directly dealt with teenagers and children. This, admittedly, was not the population with which I had planned on working with. In college, I had grandiose dreams of changing the world by founding a non-profit of some sort, helping others in some third world country. As life tends to go; however, I have not been able to pursue those dreams...yet.

In the meantime, I have been blessed to be involved in the lives of children and teens in a variety of situations. I work primarily in counseling, but I also work within the juvenile court system, and therefore get to experience the "not so fun" side of things. There is some commonality between all of the families that I work with, and that is, generally speaking, most parents don't have a firm grasp on how to deal with their teenage son or daughter.

At first, this thought perplexed me. After all, we were all teenagers once, this could not possibly be that complicated of a situation. At the risk of sounding like my father, though, one has admit that things simply are not like they were "back in the day." What is interesting is that I am only 27 years old, and "back in the day" for me really isn't that far back at all. Nevertheless, things are drastically different now, even compared to when I was a teenager.

Teenagers today live in a world dominated by social media, peer pressure unlike anything I could have ever imagined, and the entire world literally at their fingertips via their smart phone, internet, or countless other resources. Life is different for the average teenager these days, and only continues to become more complex with the technological development of our society.

Now, dont get me wrong, I am not, in any way, attempting to say that we should all denounce technology and regress back into some sort of middle ages lifestyle. I am addicted to my iPhone just like many others, and am in no place to judge. After all, what would life be like without Angry Birds to occupy my time?

Our children are now being raised in a fashion which instantly gratifies their need for visual and intellectual stimulation. Information that I, as a child, had to obtain through a book is now readily accessible at any given moment with simply a few keystrokes. This, in turn, has led to a generation with a lack of patience, and a lack of appreciation for the process of learning, the dedication of time and snail mail. The thing that we must figure out is exactly what this means for those of us who are parents.

The key to a majority of these problems, in my opinion, is for parents to become educated and knowledgeble regarding social media and technology. My parents are incredible people, but they don't know the first thing about social media, and therefore, have no idea what I am posting to Facebook or Twitter on a daily basis. I am not doing anything questionable that would need to be examined and I am trustworthy, but that can't be said about all teenagers accessing these websites daily.

So, as a parent, my advice would be to do the following:

• Find out what forms of social media your children are using. Most sites have options that allow you to keep your profile private, to better ensure security and privacy. If you child is not utilizing these tools, suggest that they consider it in order to keep themselves, and their information safe.
• Regularly check what your children are posting to these sites. If there is questionable material, discuss these things with them in a calm, rational fashion. Don't fly off the handle immediately. After all, the more you open your mouth, the more they close their ears.
• Create an account on these social and media websites. Familiarize yourself with the territory, be aware of any security issues that may need to be addressed with your child, such as adult material, cyber bullying, etc.
• Do not, and I repeat do not, use social media as an attempt at being the "cool parent." If you are deemed of being "cool" it is because of your personality, not because you posted the newest youtube craze on your child's profile.
• Most importantly, trust your child. As with any issue, communication is key, and remaining informed and unbiased will help you, as a parent, keep your sanity when dealing with your child.

Our Life On Point middle school curriculum has a lesson called Serving with Pancakes. In this lesson students are to work as a family-- planning a meal, cooking pancakes, and enjoying the meal together. Well, groups at East Lake kicked it up a notch!

We decided to host a "camp in." In the middle school's cafeteria, students pitched tents, built mock campfires, and baked s'mores in toaster ovens. Each student had a responsibility, and before too long they joined in to help others with their responsibilities.

When everyone had a s'more and all tents were assembeled, each team sat around their campsite and talked about what it was like to serve a role in the group.  One student responded, "I was having so much fun, I forgot I was serving someone!"

What do you think of the additions to this lesson? We would love your feedback!

As I was walking through a high school recently, I noticed one thing that has not changed much in the ten years it's been since I graduated. I noticed guys and girls who were talking turning to violence to get their point across. Their point? I like you. Honestly, I was a little confused as I watched this happen around me. Mainly because this was not an elementary school playground, but a high school. In my experience teaching, this is a common occurrence in middle and high school. Because it is such a problem, I have begun discussing this topic in my classes quite frequently.

One day while I was teaching, a story from my own middle school days popped up in my head. When I was in eight grade, I was dating a ninth grader (lucky, huh?!) and my dad was taking him home from church. We were sitting in the back of my parent's car hitting each other. My dad got upset with both of us and you can imagine my embarrassment. When my boyfriend got out of the car, my dad wanted to talk to me about why the way we were behaving was not okay.  I told him that is the way that teens show they like someone. He then shared his wisdom that helped me understand why that was so harmful, both physically and emotionally. He explained that if I grew up thinking that violence is a way to express or show that you like or even love a person, that I would be more likely to marry someone who was abusive or that I would become an abusive spouse or mother.

Looking back on that story, I remember so clearly the lesson that I learned. I am so happy that my dad was able to catch that potentially destructive habit at an early age. As a parent, it is so important that we show our kids that real love is not shown through violent behavior, even if that behavior is subtle. We need to be very intentional in talking to them about teenage dating violence!

While teaching at East Lake Academy, I was allowed the opportunity to talk with several young ladies about true identity and a positive self-concept. After class on day one, a young lady pulled me aside, seeming very puzzled. "Ms. Faith, I need to speak with you," she demanded. Her mind was in shambles as she tried to sort through why her ex-boyfriend was breaking up with her to "talk" to some other young lady.  So many of our young ladies do not spend time building upon their self-esteem and becoming aware of who they are. They feel their identity is defined in a relationship with a young man, their sexuality, sporting the latest fashions, and the like. It was comforting hearing this young lady later say, "Thank you, Ms. Faith, for helping me realize it's okay to "do me" right now. "Do you" or "do me" is a common motto our young people have begun to adopt in their lives. "Doing you" allows our young people to become confident and comfortable in and with who they are. It relieves them of the pressure to become or portray someone else. I told the young ladies that it was okay to be selfish right now. "Now is the time for you to figure out who you are, what your dreams consist of, and to develop a plan to achieve your goals," is what I seem to repeat over and over again. What a sign of relief that young lady brought me, someone's getting the message!

New year, new you! That may be a bit of an overstatement, but there is some truth there. Setting goals is a great way to help us grow in our personal lives, and what better month to start than January! Setting goals can sometimes be overwhelming because we see what seems to be an impossible task to accomplish. I once heard the quote, "How do you eat an elephant?" One bite at a time!" That is a great example of having a big goal to accomplish, but starting with smaller goals instead. Small goals are a great way to reach the bigger goal.

A great way to start is by setting goals for yourself. Then, share those with your teen. As you share, begin to talk with them about the goals they could set for themselves.  Try to let them talk and open up to you about the goals they have for their lives. You may learn something new! Also, encourage them to set small goals to accomplish that larger goal. For example, if they are in middle school and want to be in a band when they grow up, a small goal could be trying out for their middle school band or finding an instrument they like and beginning private lessons. If they want to go to college, a small goal could be to make better grades every sememster from here on out. Whatever interest your child has, find a way to nurture that interest. It may, after all, be a passion of theirs that leads to a more abundant future.

So, no  matter where you are in life, setting goals can be the start to an even greater you! Always remember, even if you don't accomplish your goal today, there's always tomorrow and that gives you a fresh start!

101 Things to Do with Your Kids Over the Break

20 Serve On Point students from Hixson High School gathered last Friday to bring Christmas to those less fortunate than themselves. The group put up several Christmas trees and decorations throughout the entire center, making the season much brighter for the families. In addition to decorating the center, the students also held a canned food and warm clothing drive at their school. The teens collected canned goods to stock the center's pantry for Christmas as well as over 16 bags of clothing for the Community Kitchen.  The Serve On Point students dedicated a couple hours each week after school for two months to plan this project. We are so proud of their willingness to serve others!

On Tuesday, December 6th, 25 Middle School girls from East Lake Academy made Christmas cards for the residents at NHC Health Care Facility.

We had been focusing on topics of self discovery-who am I? What gifts do I possess? How do I share my spark and voice in my own community? As an educator, you always wonder if the students are going to get on board with whatever project you have come with.  Will they connect the dots with the project and what they've been learning?

The answer at East Lake...overwhelmingly, yes!

It was truly beautiful. Red and green construction paper, snowflake stickers, markers, glue sticks and scissors all manipulated by their inspired hands into some of the most kind-hearted, genuine cards I think I have ever seen. These girls didn't know who, specifically, they were creating these cards for; they just knew that these residents needed some cheering.

I think the most touching thing for me was going back to the school two days later to tell them thank you for making the cards. They eagerly asked if the residents liked them. They put such heart, creativity and thought into their gifts. I am humbled by this group.

Thanks girls, thanks for reminding me that it is not always the gift, but the heart of genuine joy and kindness that goes into the gift that matters the most!

These beautiful faces are members of our teen board, and they represent what we know is The Next Greatest Generation. These kids have amazing stories, which we already knew, but it wasn't until we sat down with them that we were really blown away by what they had to say. We knew that we couldn't keep their stories to ourselves, so that's why we are sharing them with you. Be sure to check out Mary Davis and Shaylind's stories now and stay tuned for more to come!

Welcome to All things teen.  On Point educators have been working in the schools with teenagers for over 20 years and in that amount of we’ve had the privilege of working with some pretty unique kids. This blog is dedicated to those unique kids. We’ll share stories, we’ll tell you about service projects on point teenagers are involved with and we’ll also share the joys and struggles of these outstanding teenagers with you. Remember to check back frequently, as we share the stories of the next greatest generation.